“You’ll know once you become older”
A phrase I heard from adults when I told them that I did not know what my dream was or what I wanted to become.
When I was younger, I always imagined that the older version of me would be more confident. More put together. More sure of herself. I thought she would know what she wanted, where she was going, and what kind of person she was becoming.
But now that I am older, I don’t feel certain at all.
If anything, I feel lost.
I realized that there is this strange pressure that comes with growing up. From a certain age, people around you expect you to have answers. What do you want to major in? What college do you want to go to? What kind of future are you building?
And I try to answer those questions.
I make my plans. I create goals. But sometimes, even after all that planning, I still feel unsure. Like I am trying to convince other people and myself that I know where I am going, when I am still trying to convince myself.
I was told that, the more you grow up, the more you will find your passion and way. But growing up has not felt like clarity. It has felt more like standing in front of many doors, where you don’t know what is behind those doors.
And that scares me.
There was this comfort in being a kid. You were allowed not to know. But as you grow older, people around you start to build their futures and seem to have this big ambitious goal they are working towards. And, once you realize you don’t have something like that, you feel like you are falling behind.
So you pretend.
You pretend you are confident. You pretend you also have this big ambitious goal that gets you up in the morning.
But in all honesty, I am confused.
I am scared of choosing the wrong path. I am scared of disappointing people. I am scared that the future I am working so hard for will not feel the way I imagined it would.
So I might not be certain about my future, certain about how I want to live, but all I know is I want to strive and live my life the best I can.
Therefore maybe certainty was never the point.
Maybe exploring is.
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